Heartless Revamp Step 1 : Read Through ~ DONE ~

So I did it. I read Heartless cover-to-cover. And with no tears shed, though I think that had everything to do with my determination not to shed a tear. Funny how when you read a book objectively, emotion takes a backseat, and the whole reading experience is far less enjoyable.

Before you read further, please be assured that I value each and every one of my fans, followers, and readers. I love that you love this book and love the other things I write. Please do not take what I am about to say as an insult to you or your opinion. I am in no way denigrating your views on this work. As is often the case with authors, we are our own worst critics. This can be a good thing.  

My thoughts? Needs a little work. The issues:

• I think the prologue gives too much away right up front, taking away from the natural question as to WHY the hero acts the way he does. 
• I think the passive voice is a tad overdone. 
• There are words and phrases that weren't used at the time. For example, Hart mentions he's "working with a deadline." The word DEADLINE didn't come into use until the American Civil War and it referred to the "do-not-cross" line in war prisons. Deadline in the sense of a "time limit" was newspaper jargon that came into use in the early 1920s. Then there's the use of handicapped in reference to people with disabilities. Yeah, the word existed then but not in that sense. There were a few more but I think I made my point. 
• There is an excessive amount of characters. Servants, family members, friends, all named and given a few lines each. Sheesh.

I think these flaws are easily overlooked in the natural draw to the main characters. I totally agree that I CAN write characters. Dang.

Possible "fixes":

• Prologue: Do I really want readers to forgive Hart for everything before they actually get to know him? I don't think I do. I think I want them to start out hating him a little, getting to know him as the story goes on, and then realizing he's severely warped for good reason. 
• Passive voice: This is one of those "little changes" I mentioned in a previous post. Some sentences will get some restructuring to allow for more showing, rather than telling. 
• Historical inaccuracies: Of course these will have to go. I mean, what was I thinking??
• Excessive characters: I do believe that removal of names would go a LONG way in clearing up some confusion on this one. I'll try that and see what happens. 

So that about sums up my initial thoughts on the simple read-through I did. Next step, edit out the redundancies, inaccuracies, passivity, and prologue. 

Thoughts? 

To Prologue or Not to Prologue

That is the question. 

I vaguely recall reading somewhere that you should never start a book with a prologue. As far as writing tips go, it's one of the worst I've ever heard. Many stories really work with a prologue. Some don't, true, but many do.

Just as every writer is different, so is every story. Write what's best for that story, not what some blowhard thinks is best because they believe they're some kind of writing expert. (For the record, I don't remember who said it, and I honestly don't care.) 

OK, rant over. Sorry about that. 

As it stands, Heartless has a prologue. It takes place more than 20 years before the bulk of the story. It tells us why Hart's a jerk and lets the reader easily forgive most of his bad behavior while reading the rest of the book.

My problem? I'm not sure I really want to let the reader have that excuse so early on. Wouldn't it make for a better "mystery" (so to speak) if the reader doesn't know up front why Hart's such an a$$?

This is the only major change I'm considering. And it might end up that I leave it in. I'm not entirely sure. I do know that some readers do not care for the opening line. ("You lying b****!" is a bit of a slap in the face just starting out in a story. Though hubby's pronouncement was, "Best opening line EVER!" Men.)

Any thoughts, lovers of all things Heartless?

The Heartless Duke makes an unscheduled appearance!

That's right! Hart was spotted in a recent installment of My Lady Coward. He behaved just as badly as anyone could expect (or hope). 

You'd think a lady would be safe driving in the park (the public park!!) with a gentleman. Unfortunately, Maria discounted the rumors surrounding the Duke of Derringer, somehow forgetting that rumors are often based in truth. 

This short story takes place several years before Derringer's marriage. Perhaps that's why he's such a... well. Won't you pop over and see how Maria handles herself with the heartless lord? The image here is linked to the story and there's another image at the top of this blog's right-hand sidebar. That will get you there as well. 

Then and Now

In re-reading Heartless, I realize one very HUGE thing. 

I am not the same person I was when I wrote this. 

It's a strange realization. This is my most popular novel, by far my bestseller. It features an emotionally battered man, a man who believes he's just as terrible as rumor suggests. And in that opinion, he's almost correct. In Hart's characterization, I think he's the same he could ever be. He is what he is. 

The story execution is another matter entirely. There are things I would change, sentence structures that could be reworded to offer so much more impact, over usage of other words or types of words that make some scenes feel steeped in redundancy. I have learned so much since I first put this story out there. 

And more than one person pointed out the excessive characters. OK, I had a point in placing that many characters in this story. Ever feel completely alone in a crowded room? Welcome to Leandra's world. 

However, I think I realize WHY the extra characters feel so...cluttered...to some readers. 

The names. 

I used an excessive amount of names to describe these people. One character in particular, having only two lines in a single scene, is described by her title, her relationship to the hero, and by her first name which, quite frankly, is totally unnecessary. Added to that, I kept referring to the heroine as Leandra, the duchess, her grace, and a few other things that almost made it sound like she was more than just one person. Sheesh.

Names are not always necessary, at least not in the final draft. In notes, sure. It helps the author keep track. The reader, however, doesn't need that info. So, I think I have a fix for the "excessive characters" problem. 

Unnecessary names will be removed. I don't think we need to know the first name as well as the title of a character who has one scene and only two lines in that scene. I think title and relationship to the hero/heroine will be sufficient...and sometimes not even that is necessary.

But what of the MAJOR issues? I know there are some. How could there not be? I self-published this title back in 2008 (I wrote it in 2004) and made the same mistake many other self-pubbed authors did. I jumped the gun. 

I considered making some major changes but fans have indicated their displeasure at the idea. Perhaps this is one of those only-make-the-changes-the-publisher-suggests situations. 

While I respect all the opinions I've received on this matter, my gut is telling me not to make any story altering changes, even if some of those changes would make more sense. I don't know. What do you think? 

~Getting to Know the Duke~ The Proposal

Just because I'm feeling oh-so-generous tonight—oh, it's after midnight here, so...this morning then—here's an excerpt from Heartless. This is the ever-so-romantic marriage proposal Derringer bestows on Merri (Leandra). Enjoy!! 

“You sound like a gentlewoman,” he remarked lazily.

“I was raised in my father’s house. I was sent to Miss Forester’s Select Seminary for Young Ladies when the time came and given every benefit of a daughter of the house. Then papa died and his wife threw me out after the will was not found. Everything of papa’s went to his son, the new earl.” All this was said prosaically.

Her voice changed subtly as she continued. Derringer thought it would have gone unnoticed by anyone but him. “I was told he left nothing for me but I refuse to believe my father would not take care of me. We were very close and he assured me I would always be taken care of, that I need never fear poverty. Well,” she shrugged fatalistically.

“And you had no one else to turn to when you found yourself in straitened circumstances?”

She hesitated. “I first went into the village to see my beau, Mr. Hubbard,” she confessed reluctantly. “He had heard about the lack of will and let me know that he was no longer interested in marrying me. But he was more than willing to give me a much different position.” She shook her head and shrugged. “So now I am alone and apparently at your mercy, sir.”

“So you are,” he agreed with an assessing look, uncomfortably surprised at his sudden desire to tear Mr. Hubbard limb from limb. “Marry me.”

Leandra dropped her fork. It clattered onto her plate and her eyes flew up to stare at the crazy man sitting across from her. “Are you daft, sir?” she asked with her normal candor. “I mean, are you an escaped bedlamite?” She didn’t give him a chance to reply, adding quickly, “I thank you for the meal and the sympathetic ear, but you needn’t feel that such desperate means are called for in helping me. I’m sure you like to help people, but marriage? Is that not going much too far, my lord? I assume you are a lord of some sort based on the landlord's attitude but perhaps you are escaped from your keeper? I mean, even lords can lose their minds. The newspapers overflow with such stories...” Her voice drifted to silence.

How was that? Besides my overuse of words ending in —ly, that is. 

This scene made me laugh all over again and reminded me why I love this book so much. I'm having a blast re-reading it, even with the "errors" I see. And it's very, very true that writers are their own worst critics. Well, most are. 

The preceding is (c) copyright 2012 Laura J Miller. All rights reserved.